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Emotional Abuse doesn’t end when the relationship is over

My emotional abuse comic, I Survived Him, is definitely one of my favorite works of my own. I’m especially proud of the art in this one. The comic is now available on my itch.io again! But before you go get it for yourself, I want to tell you more about it and show some of my favorite pages.

Cover of the emotional abuse comic I Survived Him. It's a parody of the Judith Beheads Holorfenes painting by Artemisia Gentileschi, but all the characters are H-P himself. One H-P is laying on a bed. One holds him down and one is beheading him with a sword. All have a neutral expression.

I Survived Him was made in 2020. Even if it is a comic about emotional abuse, it doesn’t describe the abuse in detail. The comic begins from the moment the abusive relationship was over and the story describes the process of letting go and healing. I want to show you the first scene of the comic.

Panel one: Computer screen shows messaging app. Text: You: I'm just so worried. Him: You're still important to me and I love you! I think we've just grown apart but that's normal and it won't affect things between us! Panel 2: H-P is sitting on a floor, he looks younger and tired. He's holding a laptop and covered in a blanket. Text: That was the last time he talked to me. Panel 3: Dark illustration of H-P's silhouette. Text: I had challenged him too many times and this was the last punishment I got. Isolation.
Panel 1: H-P stands alone in the panel shrugging. Text: I lost most of our shared friends. They weren't all on his side. Some of them did their best. Panel 2: H-P's face closer, he crosses his arms. Text: But when talking about abuse, "Maybe both sides were at fault" sounds like "you deserved it". Panel 3: H-P on the foreground, he glances behind him. There's two shadows of people there. Text: H-P says: And every now and then they'd give me news of the things he said about me. The shadows say: H-P was also so difficult. H-P apparently likes talking shit about others. He said H-P is untrustworthy. He told me H-P uses his depression as an excuse to be too demanding. Panel 4: H-P has now also turned into a shadow silhouette. He talks to another of the shadows from last panel. Text: I tried to be the bigger person and just reply: This is not true. I never did that. But I know I can't convince you so I'll just hope for the best.
Big illustration. Closeup of H-P's head looking to the left. He looks tired and sad. His head is see through where his brains are and there's text in his brain. There's also partially obstructed text all around him. Text: In speech bubbles: But the worth thing wasn't the isolation. The worst thing was that the abuse didn't stop when he left. Because his thoughts were still inside my head. I was my own abuser now. Text in the brain: Remember that you should be ashamed. You're so hard to love because you're difficult. Text around him, partially obstructed: You're probably not really trans. Do you really think someone else would have the patience to love you? You're so demanding. You're just a fujoshi who wants to be a guy because you think gays are hot. Don't transition, you'll look like a woman with a moustache. You're untrustworthy and hard to work with...
Panel 1: H-P's hands drawing a sketch of a woman. Text: It didn't matter where I was and what I was doing. Everything reminded me of him. Panel 2: Black ink starts flowing from the pen on H-P's hand. His hand shakes. Text: And remembering him made me remember everything he said was wrong about me. Panel 3: H-P walking outside, it's fall. He wears a beanie and a big jacket. Text: One day I was trying to walk somewhere. I can't remember where, but then again, it's not relevant. Panel 4: H-P's head from the side, now drawn on a thicker black crayon like line. He looks terrified and his eyes are just black smudges. Text: Suddenly I remembered him again.
Panel 1: Light pencil drawing on two joined hands. Text: We used to walk here together holding hands... Panel 2: The hands from previous panel are now behind H-P as his memory. H-P is on the foreground and he looks anxious. Text: No. I don't want to remember him! I don't want him to be in my head! I want my mind back! Panel 3: Wider image of the road H-P is walking on. There's a magpie eating something off the ground. H-P is holding his face in his hands. Other than that, there's nobody else on the road. Text: Fuck you. Fuck your memories. I want to override these memories with new ones. Panel 4: Closeup of the magpie that now looks at H-P. Text: That magpie! Panel 5: H-P Yells at the magpie. Text: That magpie will be my new memory of thie road! Fuck you!!
Large illustration where H-P is walking on the road that has now changed into a lushious paradise with plants everywhere drawn on just light pencil. The magpie flies away and H-P is alone. Text: That was the moment I decided to do everything I could to heal from him. This comic is about that process. I don't want to make a comic about my traumas and relive them again and again when drawing it all out. I want to make a comic about how I healed myself so I can relive the moments when I was at my strongest.

I don’t often make autobiographical comics about such tough subjects. Portraying myself as the victim in my art isn’t really something I want to do. I very much believe in the theory that one can change the way they see themselves by controlling how they talk about themselves. Of course one has to be realistic, but I don’t want to unnecessarily dwell on the negative parts of my life. Making a comic takes a long time and if I were to make a comic about something very traumatic, I’d almost have to relive the trauma for months on end! I’m totally not up for that! No way! What I can relive is the healing process.

This comic was drawn in 2020, now that I reread it in 2022 I felt powerful, I felt at peace and I felt strong! I have survived this and I am proud of that. When I finished the comic I still felt scared, and some days I still do, but it becomes rarer every day. I love seeing this comic and remembering how far I’ve come.

The Art

I told in the beginning that I was especially happy with the art on this one, so here are two pages from my absolute favorite scene artwise.

Panel 1: Deep pit of rocks with a shaky illustration of H-P laying at the bottom saying "help" Text: He caused the intense feelings by pushing me to hit the rock bottom and "saving" me from there. Panel 2: Light pencil illustration of a hand pulling H-P out. H-P looks relieved and happy. Text: Of course I feel overjoyed! I was just thinking of ending my life a moment ago! But an emotional rollercoaster like that isn't healthy. I really had to grieve giving up those feelings.
Big illustration of H-P sitting at the bottom of the pit. He looks at his hand that was just held a moment ago. He is alone. His hair is all over the place. He looks sad and defeated. Text: But after all those feelings were gone. Love. Shock. Desperation. Loneliness. Anger. Sadness. All I was left with was fear.

On the first page’s first panel you see me laying on my face in a bottom of a rocky pit. The pit is drawn on normal paper with ink markers and pencils, but that me! I drew myself on a piece of used napkin! The two illustrations were then combined on Photoshop. I love how I used the drawing material to really show the desperation.

And the rocky pit… man, that’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever drawn. I love it. I also love the combination of pencil and ink. All the illustrations that illustrate my memories are drawn on pencil only and I love it.

As said, I’m very proud of this one. I think this comes only second to Life Outside the Circle. It might be a good idea to later write a blog entry about the medias I used for that one too… I love the art on Life Outside the Circle!

So where can you get this comic?

I have a store on itch.io. The emotional abuse comic is $5, but you can choose if you want to leave me a tip. It’s up to you! I always try to keep my comics accessible to most people, so the tipping helps a lot in keeping the comic price fairly low.

Please note, despite this blog post having alt texts for more accessible reading, the ebook doesn’t have that.

If you’re interested in other comics I have for sale as ebooks, go read my blog post about Not #ZeroWaste, I Just Grew Up Poor.